CrossFit, Hedda Gabler, Tiger vs. Tiger, and All the Rest

2014-09-28 11.36.08

Almost let this one slip by. It’s after 23:00.  I’m in Auburn still. I was going to go home today but… “home,” by that I mean the home where I grew up– where I’ve been since February. I was going there today but I ran into a man at a coffee house who worked for Auburn University– that’s a misplaced modifier. New York feels like home to me now.

I was going home to America Junction today but I got some tickets to go see Hedda Gabler at— do you know Hedda Gabler? It’s likely Henrik Ibsen’s most famous play– do you know Ibsen? You should. Yes, Myra, I know you know Ibsen. It makes me sad that so many people do not know Ibsen yet they know people who did not make nearly the same contribution to–

I was going to go home today. But I got tickets to a play. And I wanted to go to CrossFit at All In CrossFit which is where my brother and sister-in-law work out. It’s a no-shit serious place to do CrossFit and I always like visiting their box. Do you know this term, “box?” It’s what they call CrossFit gyms. I sort of fell in love there this morning. But he’s waaaaaay too young for me. So I’ll just admire the fact that he can deep squat more that 400 lbs. I maybe could have done that– if I’d started at his age.

I loved seeing the play tonight. It was a college production with all that that entails. All in all I enjoyed it quite a lot. They were trying some bold things that didn’t quite go over. But the theatre was almost full. That makes me happy that people are still willing to come see live theatre. A hundred thousand will gather at Jordan-Hare Stadium to watch football tomorrow. I’ll be one of them. Chad got me a ticket. I’m happy about this. It will be very strange to yell for Auburn given that I’m such an Alabama– do you know Ibsen? Just a quick Wikipedia search on your part would make me feel better about the state of the world– if you would do that– just a couple of minutes– to learn about the “Father of Realism.” I think I will wear my Alabama cap when I go to yell for Auburn tomorrow.

I love CrossFit– and with so much going crazy in my life, it’s one of the constants. That and my “morning pages.” Do you know “mooring pages?” It’s from the Artist’s Way and, for the most part, I’ve been doing them for a few years now. Every time I write them I hear the words, “Your Honor, I’d like to enter as exhibit A…” The blog is a constant too. So far, since I declared this the last year of my life– and said that I’d blog every day– I have. It such wobbly times, some little measure of stability gives me comfort.

I was supposed to leave today to drive to Arkansas to the funeral of the Afghanistan veteran who killed himself, the one I told you about. But I don’t have the money to make the trip and to tell you the truth I don’t really feel stable enough to be there. I had wanted to go for several reasons, one is to support his closest friends, many of whom I know. I also wanted to see how people are effected by suicide– since I’ve so often considered it.

The Pomodoro Time Management Technicque that Jeff Key (not me, the other one) recommended seems like it can help. I sort of abandoned it today because after CrossFit I got sucked into– well, I don’t think I want to tell you what I got sucked into– maybe another time. Suffice it to say it was nice to be near a college campus again. The twenty somethings sure seem to like me now that I’m a muscly Dad type. I wish I coulda been a dad for real. For some things, it’s just too late. I guess if I can give these boys something they seem to want and need so badly, I’ll oblige. See? I said I didn’t want to tell you what I got sucked into today after CrossFit but now I’m afraid I have. Your attention is like truth serum to me. I am a narcissist.

Isn’t it weird that, now that I’m getting really honest with myself about how shitty things have gotten, I’m starting to feel more hopeful about things?

Sitting in that theatre tonight reminded me how very much I miss New York. I’m supposedly going back there in a little over two months. I have no idea how that’s going to happen. I want it to very much. I need a miracle, God. God, are you listening?

I was supposed to go home today but apparently I wasn’t. I ended up seeing a play and going to CrossFit and falling in love with an athlete there who is too young for me and then I met someone at a coffee house and ended up at a play. Tomorrow I’ll go watch Auburn play LSU which, let’s face it, is about as much like descriptions of ancient games and festivals described in Theatre History as anything can be without being the thing itself. The costumes, the pageantry, the homoerotic nature of the whole thing.

My first waking thoughts each morning are usually about how hurt and angry I am at what Adam did to me. He’s in New York, you know. He’s doing a surgery residency at Mt. Sinai Hospital. He walked away laughing. I don’t wish to hurt him. I pray for him everyday. But karma is real I’ve come to believe, and when his comes back around it is going to be catastrophic– and that’s really sad– because his parents have already buried one son. I pray that Adam “gets it.” I pray that he doesn’t have to destroy his life completely to get better. But he did bad things to me. He hurt me and mostly he betrayed me. He made some very important promises to me that kept me around for the hell and then broke those promises. I’ll tell you more about that when I feel up to it. I’m working to let it go. But it’s hard. It’s very hard. I’m glad not to be married to him anymore because of how he hurt me– but still, the investment I made– he walked– laughing.

My first waking thoughts are usually of Adam and of what he got away with. So far. To think of his karmic resolution scares me. I don’t think I could handle getting catastrophic news about Adam. I’m afraid one day that news will come.

Each day I pray, “Dear God, for every good thing I’ve ever prayed for for myself, I now pray for for Adam Nelson. If only one of us can have it, give it to him. And so it is. Amen.”

I thought I was supposed to go home today. But the Universe had other plans. The Universe is weird. Have you ever noticed how you can “vibrate” things into your experience by thinking on them? All that writing about the fraternity yesterday and today– well, today.

I can’t wait to get back to New York. I love the Theatre. In so many ways Theatre is my religion– it’s at the very least an inextricable part of my Spiritual Path. And when I walk into the buildings we call Theatres, for me it is like walking into a temple.

I thought I was supposed to go home today. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have a home. Home is the room where I go where I am with God. God is the force that created me, that I’m a part of. But it’s not like what you probably think of when you think the word “God.”

It’s busy inside my head.

DAILY CHECKLIST for yesterday

1) List ten things for which I am grateful. YES!

2) Meditate ten minutes morning and evening. NO

3) Read spiritual literature for ten minutes each morning. NO

4) Keep a record of every penny that came in and every penny that went out. NO

5) Work out (CrossFit or lift, Sunday is my off day). YES!

6) Be true to my sexual reboot program. NO

7) 25 minutes of Mobility WOD (Google it if you don’t know what this is). YES!

8) Pray for Adam Nelson. YES!

9)  Tithe 10% where I’m spiritually fed and invest 10% for the future. start now on every penny that comes in, no matter how large or small the amount. NO

10) Write for four hours each and every day. NO

11) drink 1 gallon of water YES!

12) Spend one hour per day working for the Mehadi Foundation. NO

See y’all tomorrow? Yes, I hope. See you tomorrow I hope.

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