Gonna Get Less Than Four Hours Tonight

It’s ten until midnight and I’m just getting in from the movies. I saw Interstellar at the Arclight Cineramadome. It was nice to be back in that epic theatre and wonderful to sit with over 800 people seeing a movie through such cutting edge technology. We were nearly blown out of our seats by the sound alone. The images, too, were stunning and I’m still processing the movie itself so I’ll refrain from going to deeply into it. I will say that the Nolan brothers embark ambitiously into territory where most people dare not venture with regard to philosophy, science, metaphysics, quantum theory, and dare I say it—spirituality. I applaud their effort and also their desire to get us thinking about important things. There were points where I was conscious of the exposition (which is typically a bad thing in writing) but when I wondered how they could have “showed it instead of saying it” as what is typically the encouragement for writers, I just don’t know how they could have done it; the concept is that complicated. I don’t mean to say that it’s un-understandable even.  I followed it more easily that I did The Matrix upon first viewing for certain. It’s definitely worth seeing. I’d be interested in what you think once you do.

How did I spend my day? Well, I’ve been up between four and five for the last four days and it looks like I will be again tomorrow. I’ve been working out with the cameraman and dropping him at work after. Tomorrow morning will be rough since it’s now approaching midnight and because of his early call tomorrow, my alarm is set for four. This reminds me of some Marine Corps hours right here. I also have to come back here tomorrow after I drop him off and spend some time in prayer and organization. I’ve been pretending (as I used to) that my job is to flit around Los Angeles looking pretty and chasing boys. Er, correction— making the boys chase me. That’s all well and good for what its worth but we’ve already talked about that and it’s really not moving me toward my goals at all now is it? Well, maybe one or two of them but— well, a diversion is a diversion. I have to get clear on these action items and get busy doing them, one day at a time, every day, until my goals are made manifest. One danger of moving back to LA is that there are so very many things to divert my attention from my goals. But that’s also true of New York and hell, I even manage to keep myself busy not doing the action items to achieve my goals when I’m in Alabama. It’s not all about distractions. That’s part of it but at the back of the avoidance is actually fear. I know that. It’s the fear of rejection. You can bounce around telling everyone your a writer all day long but until you actually finish a draft presentable enough to shop, there is no chance you’re going to be rejected. And to me, rejection (or the threat of it) feels like elementary school and when my— uh-uh THE molester stopped molesting me (while possibly continuing to molest my first love) or the wholesale rejection of my authentic self by the culture in which I grew up or the copious amounts of rejection I suffered at the hands of my abusive ex-husband. It’s attached to a whole lot more than simple rejection of my art—which in itself is awful enough let me tell you! Its ostensibly like saying “here, world, is my soul. would you like shit all over it?” So come on now, cut yourself a little fucking slack here, Key! This is tough stuff and you are making the effort to move forward. You are moving forward. Of course to not see my goals achieved is only punishing myself more and with regard to lingering resentment in the case of any and all of these perpetrators, at this point my job is to focus on the fourth column. You remember the fourth column in the four column inventory process that I mentioned in an earlier blog, don’t you? Several of you are familiar with it already. The first column is the person (group, institution etc.) at which I am resentful. Column two is what they did to make me resent them. Column three is what it effected in me and column four is my part in it. Column four (in my humble opinion) is the most important column because it’s the one that leads me out of victimhood and into recovery. I have a part in all those resentments (which you better bet your ass are greatly diminished from what they once were or I wouldn’t be sober) but there is one constant that shows up in every fourth column of every resentment I ever cop— it is “letting what they did continue to hurt me now by stepping in for them as the abuser.” And compulsive or addictive behavior of any kind to avoid unpleasant feelings (in this case the fear of rejection) is abusive behavior. I am abusing myself. (Which reminds me there’s something I need to do before I go to sleep so I better wrap this up soon.)

Yep, it’s now after midnight which means I’m actually posting this blog “late.” Fuck you, I know I have readers in Hawaii so I will still claim that it is November 4 somewhere in my readership.

I promise to get more organized with the goals, action items and what I need to do to move past the fear that is keeping me from them tomorrow. For now, I have got to get some rest. I’m trying desperately to impress the cameraman. He doesn’t seem easily impressed so of course it’s like catnip to me. Danger, danger! What am I doing? I already married Adam once. There is abso-fucking-lutely no reason to do that again.

See y’all tomorrow?