I’m Grateful for Adam Nelson and for Other Things Too

I’m so happy and grateful for my life and all its richness and mystery. I’m grateful for today’s sobriety in all its manifestations and for the beautiful Southern California weather. I’m grateful for the opportunity to meet with other sober people and to talk about our path together and to be able to go on a real date with an incredible guy who both interests and frightens me and to be able to show up still even though I’m afraid. I’m grateful for my healthy body and that it is still healthy after all it’s endured. I’m grateful for prayer and how I see its effects demonstrated immediately in my life. I’m grateful for friends and for the heretofore unseen opportunities that are unfolding in front of me. I’m grateful for my ridiculously big dreams that are coming true, even in spite of my stumbling which I have done often. I’m grateful for the most painful parts of my history and for what they have taught me. I’m grateful that I get the opportunity to relearn lessons when I forget. I’m grateful for the United States and our form of government and for the peace and assurance that It is all unfolding in a perfect and harmonious way— even when appearances would indicate otherwise. I’m grateful that when I become arrogant, Addiction brings me quickly to my knees where I can remain to pray and remember the quiet joy of humility as the blessed alternative to humiliation. I’m grateful for all those who have hurt and abused me. Their souls came out of great love to act in ways so that I could learn and grow. I’m grateful for the ability to forgive and I am grateful that I am forgiven. I’m grateful that when resentment creeps back in, that I have learned to express it rather than swallow it. I’m grateful for my sloppiness, my edginess, my clumsiness, my human-ness, and my willingness to look foolish publicly. I’m grateful for the beautiful Christian woman who wrote to me in the wake of my blog from yesterday and grateful that she shared part of her story with me. I pray for abundant blessings in her life. I’m grateful for yet another opportunity to be wrong about what would happen if people from Alabama read my blog. I’m grateful for my fear of telling my stories publicly, it imbues doing it with even more value. I love that people relate to me. I’m grateful I’m not along. I’m grateful that I don’t’ serve a God that requires me to “be good” or “perfect” or even give the appearance of being anything other than I am: a sweet and sometimes misguided son of the Almighty Presence that created me. I’m grateful for true unconditional Love.

I am loving and I am love. I have made mistakes and I will again. There are enough saints in the public mythology. People need to know that sinners survive and are loved by God too— and just because we are, not because of what we do or don’t do.

I’m so very grateful for Adam Nelson. For his spirit’s willingness to come into my life as such a teacher for so very long. I bless him on his path and wish him the very best. I grieve his suffering and I honor his overcoming. Hurt people hurt people and I know that Adam has been hurt very badly and for a long time. I pray in ernest that every single good thing that he could possibly imagine comes to him as easily as possible. I pray that his lessons come gently. I pray that he thrives as a surgeon and finds and maintains true happiness for as long as he lives. I’m grateful to him for all that he gave me, for the love that he offered me, for the great times we had together— especially in Hawaii. I pray that he will be able to forgive me for telling my story publicly where it intersected with his. If not, and if my memory causes him any pain, I pray that I will be blotted out of it, and he will rarely think of me at all. I pray that he has moved on completely. I pray that he finds sobriety without any great catastrophe if that is at all possible. I pray these things not as some kind of act of arrogant and shallow forgiveness but in realization that there is nothing to forgive. He was doing the best that he knew how at every step along the way and so was I. Hurt people hurt people. Adam hurt me because he was afraid. My struggles could not have made being married to me easy. I am sorry for any pain I caused him. I wish him and his husbands the best in their new life.

I’m grateful for my goals and for the indicated steps that are bringing them quickly into manifestation. I’m grateful for my hunger for life and for all benevolent spirits— seen and unseen who are conspiring for my good. I feel them at work in my life and I am so grateful.

I honor the religion of my youth and all that it taught me. I’m grateful to those people who showed up for me in the myriad ways that they did. I forgive them for the ways in which I was hurt by them; in fact, there is nothing to forgive.

I’m grateful for the life of Sgt. Eric Cavanaugh, USMC and all that he meant to me. I’m grateful for his service to our country and for his love and support of me as my adopted Grandfather. I honor his suffering in Korea and how it shaped and informed the rest of his life. I’m grateful for what he offered me in the way of experience before and after my war. I pray that I will be able to inter his ashes next week in an honorable way.

I pray that I will be able to relax and take it easy and be gentle with myself as I make these changes that are so difficult to make. I pray that I will continue to breath through the process and trust that God is in charge. I pray that I will continue to trust. I pray that I will continue to not need to look good in the process.

Mostly, I pray that others are helped through my process and that by doing what ever it takes to let go of attachment to trauma and move forward, others will be able to do the same. I pray for those who are going through similar processes. May their lessons come as gently as possible.

I’m grateful for those of you who are taking this journey with me.

I’ll see y’all tomorrow.