Adam Kokesh, Catherine Zeta Jones, and Me


At open we see Adam Kokesh and Jeff locked in struggle. Both have one hand on a thin manuscript. Tight shot on manuscript cover page which says “KEYNOTES: the Jeff Key blog for Tuesday, November 25, 2014.”  Adam Kokesh is a sexy, muscled-up former Marine with a goatee and mustache, Marine tats. He is shaved bald and has intense blue eyes. Adam Kokesh is a Libertarian. Jeff’s other hand is pressed against Adam Kokesh’s throat keeping him at arm’s length. Adam Kokesh’s other hand holds a 9mm pistol which he has pointed at Jeff’s head. 

Adam Kokesh: Drop it! Drop it in now!

The manuscript is held above an industrial size shredder with visible metal teeth.  Angry tears are streaming down Jeff’s face. 

Jeff: (through gritted teeth) No! It’s mine! You can’t make me!

Catherine Zeta Jones enters dressed in a leather teddy and fishnets circa “Chicago: the Musical.”

Catherine Zeta Jones: What the fuck is going on in here?

Adam Kokesh: Drop it in! Drop it in now! There’s no fucking way I’m letting you publish that! Drop it in the shredder or I swear to God, I’ll pull this fucking trigger!

Jeff: (sardonic laugh) Oh yeah? You know what happens when you do? (more angry tears) We all go down! If I don’t exist, you don’t exist.

Jeff has called Adam Kokesh’s bluff and the pistol turns to fuchsia powder and falls to the stage floor. With his now-free other hand Adam Kokesh tries to force Jeff’s hand to shred the manuscript. 

Catherine Zeta Jones: Goddammit I said stop! (to Adam Kokesh) What are you doing to him?

Adam Kokesh: I’m saving his stupid ass is what I’m doing.

Jeff: He’s trying to make me destroy my blog post for today!

Catherine Zeta Jones: Why?! Why can’t he publish his fucking blog?

Adam Kokesh: Read it!

Catherine Zeta Jones walks over and takes hold of the manuscript. Both men resist letting go but one snarl from Catherine makes them release. She strolls back and forth reading from the manuscript of the blog post Jeff had intended to post today. 

Catherine Zeta Jones: (reading aloud) “It’s time for me to get more specific about my goals. Number one, I have a residence that I love in New York City. I love Manhattan. It was my first New York. I also love Brooklyn.”

She starts to mumble as she speed reads on through. 

Catherine Zeta Jones: What’s wrong with this?

Adam Kokesh: Keep reading.

Catherine Zeta Jones: “I think that a year from now, I’ll probably be dating the man I will eventually marry. He’s out there. And I’m getting ready for him.” Oh that’s sweet!

Jeff is glaring at Adam Kokesh with a mixture of hatred and sexual attraction.

Adam Kokesh: (to Catherine) Keep going.

Catherine Zeta Jones mumbles through as she continues to speed-read the text.

Catherine Zeta Jones: “But what it comes down to in the end, the full truth about Adam—

She looks at Adam Kokesh.

Adam Kokesh: Not me, Sister!

Catherine begins to read again. 

Catherine Zeta Jones: “—what it comes down to in the end, the full truth about Adam Nelson is—

She pulls the paper closer to her face as if she can’t believe what she’s reading. She starts to giggle an evil giggle. 

Catherine Zeta Jones: Oh my!

She glances at Jeff.

Jeff: Right?

Jeff enjoys her enjoyment of his blog post and assumes that her amusement with what he has written has won her over as a confederate in his cause of actually posting the blog. She reads a few seconds longer, giggling, occasionally covering her mouth in astonishment. Finally…

Catherine Zeta Jones: (to Jeff) Oh no, Honey. You can’t publish this.

Jeff is transformed in an instant.

Jeff: What?!

Jeff breaks free of Adam Kokesh’s stronghold and grabs the manuscript from Catherine Zeta Jones. He dashes across the floor to the upstage right wall towards a large open mail slot marked “Publish Blog.” He makes a dive for the slot but just before he makes it there, Adam Kokesh hits a large red button on the upstage left wall marked “Deny Publication” and the mail slot slams shut. A very loud buzzer sounds. Both Adam Kokesh and Jeff cover their ears and crouch. Jeff growls at Adam Kokesh.

Jeff: Some fucking Libertarian you are!

Catherine Zeta Jones saunters over and picks up the manuscript from the floor and hands it back to Jeff. She nods toward the shredder with a look that says “you know what you have to do.” 

Jeff, crying, walks toward the shredder and moves to drop it in. At the last second he pauses having extreme difficulty destroying his work. He looks to Adam Kokesh in a pleading gesture. Adam Kokesh simply nods toward the shredder with a “sorry buddy” look on his face. Jeff drops the manuscript in and grabs his chest. It’s as if the grinding sound is an actual part of his heart being destroyed. He’s overcome with grief. 

Adam Kokesh stretches out his arms to offer a comforting hug. (His actions are really in Jeff’s best interest after all.) Jeff falls into his arms sobbing. When the sobs subside, Jeff’s face emerges from Adam Kokesh’s tear soaked t-shirt. The energy changes for Jeff and he moves his face toward Adam Kokesh’s as if for a kiss. Catherine Zeta Jones’ face appears between the two as she moves in to separate the men. She hooks a single finger in the front waistband of Adam Kokesh’s jeans and starts to lead him away. 

Catherine Zeta Jones: (to Jeff) nu-uh, Sweetcheeks. This one is mine.

Adam Kokesh is instantly intoxicated by Catherine Zeta Jones’ hypnotic sex appeal. Catherine Zeta Jones leads Adam Kokesh through the stage left door as Jeff watches them exit, each with a hand on the other’s perfect ass. 

Jeff is left alone and lonely onstage. 

He crosses to the shredder and looks down into it as if it were the grave-sight of a dear friend. He then turns to the audience as a smile slowly washes over his face. 

Near the top of the upstage wall a light appears on a bookshelf. There is already one blog manuscript on the otherwise empty shelf. A second, the newest which Jeff has just put into the shredder appears. The spine also reads, “KEYNOTES: The Jeff Key blog for Tuesday, November 25, 2014.” Above the shelf is a sign which reads “The Cloud.” 

Jeff bounces his eyebrows. 

Jeff: (aside) See y’all tomorrow.

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