Please Don’t Think About My Body

Photo on 12-4-14 at 6.45 AM #6

I chortle every time one of my gay guy friends (or otherwise hot guys from the “people you may know” pool) posts a new sexy pic of themselves on Facebook. Or when I do. I especially love it when they’re photos taken in “oh look, here’s me building a house for Habitat for Humanity” only he happens to be shirtless and sweating in the diminishing light with freshly dyed and groomed beard. Facebook has become the source for soft gay porn, a PG-13 alternative to making pubescent queers scour the underwear ads for eye candy. I guess there’s that.

I don’t want to be too hard on us, though. Remember, we live in a society that has historically made no healthy and safe space to come to terms with our sexuality. A lot of what we’ve managed, we’ve managed on our own. At the center of Narcissism is self-loathing. We’re just trying to find that balance of feeling good about ourselves and about our physical bodies as an out-picturing of ourselves. Forgive us if we don’t get it right all the time. A lot of us went for very long periods feeling like no one wanted to see or hear us. All that “look at me! look at me!” has a lot to do with that. When you see the next wildly flattering selfie of your once-skinny-effeminate-and-shy-now-turned-musclebear friend, instead of rolling your eyes, maybe acknowledge how difficult it must have been for him and say a little prayer for his wellbeing and continued reemergence.

But that’s not what I want to write about today. I want to write about the next two goals on the list of ten I’m working on, “2) I weight 260 lbs and have 15% body fat ratio” and “3) I do CrossFit three days per week and lift three days per week.” To these, I add the implied—that I have a body that serves me well, is healthy and free of disease, that I feed it healthy food, drink plenty of water, it allows me to be of service to others, has fun, and generally  feels good. The two goals I’ve written are very measurable and that is why they made the list. I guess type and quantity of food and amounts of water are also measurable. I might get more detailed on those when I revisit each goal to list action items.

As with regard to my New York living space that I wrote about in yesterday’s blog, what I’m mainly asking from you today is to NOT THINK ABOUT MY BODY AND MY GOALS HAVING TO DO WITH HEALTH AND FITNESS— that is, unless you can fully know with me that these things are not only possible, but probable— inevitable even if I only get out of my way, trust Creator, do the action items She whispers in my ear, remind myself of these goals at least daily, invite powerful spiritual beings to hold this goal in prayer for me, and take each next right step as it comes.

One quick note about how I state my goals: I was taught that if I continually reaffirm “I want” when focusing on my divine desires, then what I actually am creating is a state of perpetual wanting. The teaching is that I am better served by approaching the goal with and attitude of gratitude that the goal has already been fulfilled and brought into manifestation. I believe (and Science supports me on this) that time is flexible and in fact I further believe that time in general is really only a construct of this perception of reality. Without what I think of as time, everything that ever has or ever will happen is happening “now” and therefore, once again, all I ever have is right now. 

There is a “place/time” where I am living in the apartment I described to you yesterday and the version of me that lives there weighs 260 lbs, has 15% body fat ratio, lifts three days per week and enjoys CrossFit three days per week, and is never limited by his body in the ways that he seeks to be of service to Creation or in ways he seeks to participate in the Joy of Life.

Here’s another opportunity: I have been continuing the journey with regard to healing form my marriage and forgiving myself and Adam. One thing you should know (having had to read a lot of bitterness, anger, resentment, envy, rage, and deep grief from me about him) is that a huge amount of all that is because I did love him so very, very much. Whatever took him away from me (I’ve mostly blamed him but in truth other forces were at work, the same that have nearly destroyed me over and over)— so whatever took him away from me, that’s what brings about all those negative feelings–that I lost the man I love. The joyous times I had with him were so joyous. I loved sitting on the bed with him and laughing at stupid videos or binging on Pink music videos for hours. I loved sitting on hay bales in Joan Baez’s pasture with him and talking about our future together. I loved making love to him and I loved watching him eat a meal I’d cooked for him. He taught me about unconditional love because even when he was acting like a shithead, I still loved him so very much. All of that is over. It’s over forever. Even as recently as a couple of months ago, I remarked to his cousin (and my very dear friend and confidant) Jen that I wondered if there wasn’t a part of me that hoped Adam and I wouldn’t somehow get back together one day. She simple said, “No, that’s not going to happen.” Which is a very reasonable (and very “Jen”) thing to say but just acknowledging the feeling that came over me when she said it let me know how much work there is left to do around this issue for me. I was hurt, hurt deeply. “Hurt people hurt people” and I’m gaining increasing clarity about how after sitting on all that hurt for about a year after we split (including a bunch of “happiest divorced couple ever” and “here we are at his med school graduation” pics on Facebook), I came out swinging. Trust me, I didn’t do my worst and even though I “tattled” on Adam a little bit in the blog, I will carry to my grave the truths that would end him. I owe him that. I owe myself that. I hope he’s able to continue to being a surgeon if that’s what he wants and I hope all his future lessons come gently.

So what’s the “opportunity” I mentioned? When working with goals for myself, how about if I specifically hold those goals (in a general way) for him too—or for anyone around whom I am working through resentments? I certainly spent eight years supporting him in his goals with everything I had, why should my hoping those goals come to fruition for him stop now? I can at least support him from afar through prayers and good thoughts. (I have asked for no communication from him.) So…

Infinite Creator, Source Supreme, I pray that Adam (and whomever he choses to be in romantic relationship with) may always have a place to live that fills him with joy. May it come easy and quickly to him and may he always feel at home there. Also, Grandmother/Grandfather, please grant him a healthy and fit body. May he like what he sees when he looks in the mirror, may he have great sex, may his body allow him to do all the things in life that bring him joy. I forgive myself, him, and all others for ways in which we may have not acted in the best way to include my shit-talking him in my blog. Help me not to do that any more. I pray for Adam’s every happiness. And so it is, thank you God.  

Part of me said, while I was typing/praying that prayer, “What are you doing? You’re to pray in secret.” The point of sharing the prayer is because you have been such a part of that process around my healing with regard to this issue. Everything (or most everything) up to this point has been very public, at least since September 1 of this year. I certainly don’t do it to portray myself as some sort of “spiritual person.” It would be laughable for me to do so given what you’ve seen me go through so far and the very messy and clumsy way I’ve done it. I don’t care about looking good anymore. I just want to heal. And I want my suffering to benefit others. That, together with my learning from it, is the only way the suffering is not wasted.

That’s enough about Adam. Now, back to me!

So, PLEASE DON’T THINK ABOUT MY BODY. If you can’t hold these goals in faith with me, if all you can think about is the reasons why these goals can’t come to be, please just head on down to the bakery and numb your brain with an eclair. It will help you not to think about my body. Hell, have two, one for me (although I’d probably have two on my own so maybe have three). BUT if you are able to say “Thank you Creator that Jeff weighs 260 lbs. and has 15% body fat and lifts three days a week and goes to CrossFit three days a week and has a body that allows him to be of service to Creation in every single way that feels right to him and also allows him to Dance in the Sunlight of the Spirit,” then please, I welcome you aboard the Prayer Train and I thank you for your prayers.

See y’all tomorrow.