News From Idaho

INT. A BLANK STAGE- EVENING

Jeff enters from stage right, crosses down-center and faces the camera. Helen Mirren and Russel Crowe stand far up left looking on. 

JEFF: (reporting) Idaho education authorities have banned award-winning author Sherman Alexie’s book The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-time Indian proving that they are absolutely full-time idiots. One of the central themes of the book is bullying.

Jeff stares into the camera for a full ten seconds letting the weight of what he has just said sink in. 

JEFF: In other Idaho news, a two-year-old child has shot and killed his mother inside a Wal Mart. I’m not shitting you. The woman was apparently changing the diaper of her one-year-old near the electronics section when the two-year-old reached into the mother’s purse, took her loaded pistol and fired the fatal shot into his mother. You should all be relieved to know that the mother had a concealed weapons permit. The child has not yet been charged.

Jeff stares into the camera for five seconds. A look comes over his face that says, “I can’t do this, it’s ridiculous.” 

Jeff exits stage left. 

Helen Mirren looks at Russel Crowe, pauses, then points after Jeff with her forehead in a way that says, “Go after him.” Crowe complies. 

Helen Mirren crosses down center, looks into the camera as if to see if anyone is “out there.” 

She delivers a single line into the camera before exiting stage left. 

HELEN MIRREN: See y’all tomorrow.