First Reading of Lilac and Liquor

I don’t really have that much for you tonight. I mean my heart is full and I have much I’d like to share with you but I’m literally about to fall over while typing this and I do have about ten minutes of other writing that has to be done after this before bed.

We did a table read of Lilac and Liquor here at our house in America Junction tonight. It’s the first time I’ve heard the lines on other people’s instruments since it was written. Until now, the characters have just delivered the lines to me in the confines of the theatre in my mind. It is my inner temple. I love what I do. The only part of writing that I hate is the part where I have to sit down to write. Once I’m seated and writing, I’m in heaven. The blog is helping me practice doing that– sitting down on a consistent basis to write. I’ve done it daily now for 196 days. I’ve not missed a day since I made that commitment to you and to myself. For someone who has a terror of sitting down to write– I’m pretty proud of that. Trust me, it has not been easy– especially during the roughest times when I knew I had to choose between being honest and looking good. But writing to you daily is helping me to build that muscle. For that; and to you, my readers; I am grateful. You are helping me move toward doing what I really want to do for the rest of my life– create.

I’m grateful to my friends who came to read my new play to me– so very grateful. I’m exceptionally proud of this play. I can’t wait to see it on stage.

Let me let you in on a little secret about me. When I hear something I’ve written, it’s often as if I’m hearing something someone else wrote. During the reading of the play tonight, I was as surprised by what some of the characters said as those who were reading it for the first time. This further reinforces my belief that the work comes through me and not from me. I found a couple of typos, one mistake with a character name and one sort of major change I’d like to make. That I’ll do tomorrow. I swear. Make sure you ask me tomorrow night if I did it. The play is a lot closer to “workshop ready” than I thought it might be. It is already in the hands of a major producer. I winced a bit when I thought of when he’d realize those mistakes. As my friend Mary Stancavage says, “Oh well.” The biggest part of getting that script to him was getting past the fear of putting it out there. If he’s the right producer, he’ll see past a couple of typos. Howard (God) will bring the right producer to the project. I have faith that this is true.

196 blog posts since September 1. Since I average around a thousand words per night, that’s 196,000 words! Not too shabby for a writer who says he doesn’t write. Some of you have been reading consistently since then. God, I hope you have a good therapist! Thank you for helping me to be accountable. Thank you for helping me get past my fear of writing.

There’s a lot of uncertainty about where I’m headed next geographically. LA has made some pretty strong bids this week. I could go there and make some money in film and TV without having to be homeless in New York as I try to get the live theatre pieces to the stage there. Of course y’all know how I feel about New York and if something opens up there soon I’m completely open to heading back up there now. I just am getting too old to go from place to place living out of a sea bag. That was fine for war. That was fine as a twenty-something Bohemian poet. But it’s not as cute when you’re 49. It’s completely okay for me to demand a reasonable standard of living for myself. A lot of the spiritual and emotinal work that I’ve been sharing with you about reprogramming myself around concepts of earning (and it has been a lot of work) is about making the necessary changes so that I don’t do that to myself anymore. Mostly, it’s about not giving away my time and talent for free and also about paying attention to how I spend my time. At the root of it, it’s about doing whatever it takes to change my mind about what I’m worthy of. Worthiness is often a struggle for those of us who’ve survived trauma (and I have survived a lot of trauma). But “survived” is the key word in all that. I did survive it and beyond surviving, I have often thrived and I intend to do so again. It’s okay that it’s not been and easy couple of years. The curve balls life has thrown me had me on my heels. But I’m a stronger man for it and looking forward to this next chapter in my life. For now, I’ll just have to wait to see where that next chapter is going to be set.

See y’all tomorrow.