All the Way Home


actually nope nu-uh I ain’t and don’t want to and never am again maybe because the backspace key and the retractor of life ain’t really the same thing and I never really realized what was going on down there in Parrish where the purple tornadoes were and nobody would have ever guessed that the town wouldn’t even be there anymore or not really to speak of or at least not in the same way it was when I was young and getting traumatized but it wasn’t all bad and I don’t mean to say that it was and in fact there were moments full of wonder when I was a boy and in fact it might have been all around wonderful if no one had fucked with me that is to say took me off behind anything or made me feel so afraid or said anything other than “that’s wonderful little man” when I mighta seen some hot young country boy naked in the field house but oh no, no siree that was a non-starter for fittin’ into this world cause they had a much better plan based solely of course on a whole buncha ignorant bullshit that people stupider than them (if you can even imagine) had passed on down to them and those of us who were born with half a goddamn brain had likely had it beat out of us by the time we were out of second grade and do you remember the time I stuck the extension cord in my mouth the one that we used to plug in that old white black-and-white television with the broken knobs and do you remember how Uncle Frank had to slap me to calm me down because getting shocked that bad hurt so bad and I was so scared and I can remember seeing just gray and nothing else but gray and smelling the smell of my burning flesh and I really do wish that I could remember my first orgasm I mean doesn’t it seem like somebody should remember such a momentous event but I’m not really quite sure if it was in the shower with that massaging shower head or into the mouth of my school teacher that night with The Lucy Show playing on the TV and I’ll never forget how the television cast a blue glow on the walls of that basement room where we slept that night or how in another basement (people really liked to take me into basements) the one down the road where that redneck boy lived the one that looked so good in his tighty-whiteys and him I didn’t mind because I did think he was so very sexy and I was a little older by then and after all he was pretty close to my age and I sure wanted him to do it a lot more than he did actually and I’d go over there hoping he would and for all the time that I’d never gotten any positive attention that sure was some even if he was pretty rough with me but I swear to this day I don’t regret it still but I recently heard that he’s crazy now and roams the neighborhood looking in people’s windows and sometimes sleeps out in the woods so the law can’t find him and I wonder if he was the one that stole the mattresses from our RV so he’d have something to sleep on out there in the woods and if so I don’t really mind because I hope he has at least a little comfort in what must be a pretty uncomfortable existence and “the law” is what people around here used to call the police and I once had sex with an LAPD officer in the Hollywood precinct isn’t that fucking hot and lord, they can say a lot of things about me over my grave but “he didn’t live” isn’t one of them actually they can’t say nothin’ over my grave because I don’t intend on having a grave I’ve asked to be cremated and have my ashes strewn in the mountains of Utah and over at Oak Mountain State Park where I proposed to Adam and on Hollywood Boulevard and of course in Times Square but who knows if people will respect my wishes ’cause god knows I’m not as famous as Tennessee Williams and he requested that his bones be buried at sea near the bones of Hart Crane and did they do it no siree it was that asshole brother of his Dakin I bet that made them bury him in St. Louis and as a matter of fact Tennessee hated St. Louis and it’s just adding insult to injury to have him buried there in the not-way that he motherfucking asked y’all to but don’t you worry, he’ll have his say in the end and you’ll be sorry for not respecting his wishes much in the same way that every motherfucker who ever did me wrong is going to be sorry and Tennessee and I don’t have to do shit for it to happen it’s just gonna happen sorta on its own because that’s the way it happens because in the moment y’all might get away with some shit like that but in the long run it shore ain’t the case because we are artists and creators and guess who else is an artist and a creator you guessed it, Howard is that’s who the almighty creator of the universe is just nothing more that the ultimate and eternal artist and I sure am glad that he and I are best friends because in the end some motherfuckers are going to end up being sorry that they didn’t do me right or bury Tennessee’s bones where he specifically asked y’all to bury them and although those days are long gone and that redneck boy what used to have sex with me is now a cracked-toothed meth addict I can say that it sure would be nice to have a non-cracked-toothed non-meth addict version of somebody who looked in a pair of tighty whiteys like that archetypical bad boy used to look but who would not be a relapsing alcoholic or drug addict and would tell me he loved me and mean it and we’d fall asleep in each other’s arms like I did with that Wall Street finance guy what lives down in the financial district in Manhattan a couple of weeks ago and he was one of the best looing guys I’ve ever had sex with and was just nearly ’bout too good looking to tell you the truth he looked like an NFL quarterback and although the sex was dynamic really the best part was when he fell asleep in my arms after we both came right at the same time and  as he fell asleep in my big strong arms he started to lightly and sweetly snore yeah, I’d have to say that was the best part of it all. I’m lonely for a buddy who’d share my life with me and also have that kind of dynamic sex with me. I’m lonely for a mate. I can’t believe I’ve ended up alone. I’d hoped it wasn’t going to be that way.
See y’all tomorrow.

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