NYC vs LA

So with regard to the fear associated with turning my will and life over to the care of God as I understand God– let me think…

I don’t know that I have much fear of that. Or maybe I’m terrified of it. Organized religion sure put the hurting on me personally and has hurt my people (and many other groups of people) in ways that almost defy description. I’m also pretty afraid of “group think.”
Okay, here’s one: I’m afraid people who don’t believe in God will judge me. Crap! That’s hard to admit. Two women in particular jump immediately to mind, both science-minded atheists. I love both of them– want for both of them to think well of me. I don’t know of another gay man who has spent so much of his time and energy trying to make women like him! What the fuck? I can’t possibly imagine where that paradigm was set!

A sidebar to that one– the not wanting my atheist friends to think I’m stupid is that I don’t want to think I’m stupid. And the version of belief in God that hurt me so badly all throughout my life is, well, a stupid ideology if I am going to risk being insensitive and tonight, I am. That’s kind of hard to understand but I don’t want to be the stupid one now. Does that make sense?

Any other fears associated with “turning my will and my life over to God?” Hmmm… well, there might be some fear there because I don’t exactly know what the nature of God is. Since I renounce any and all human writing as the definitive word on the existence and nature of God, I can’t really go to the Qur’an or the Torah or the Christian Bible to lay it out for me. I believe those books were written by fallible humans. So that sort of creates a little problem with going with others’ conceptions of God doesn’t it? So I won’t.

On several days during this past week, I set the timer and listed (stream of consciousness– always a treat with my twisted brian) “pros of living in LA” vs “pros of living in NYC” to help move me more towards a decision about where I’m headed next. I’ll think I have the definitive answer based on spiritual guidance and then BAM! The other city will make some viable bid– something will happen that will indicate that the other city is the right choice.

Tonight Max told me he’d prefer that I move to LA. There’s that.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Pros of living in LA:

The men are fucking gorgeous. I can find work as an actor. I can get famous. That veterans’ theatre org is there. That boy with the big uncut cock is there– the one that reminded me of _____– the one that needs to get and stay sober– the one I can’t date (can’t remember his name right now). My beautiful apartment there costs much less that a comparable one in New York. My TV and film fame will also help me produce my plays in New York and elsewhere. Large support network. Good meetings. Year-round flip-flops. It’s more relaxed there. Cleaner. I always feel good when I’m in California. (Okay maybe not always.) More dog friendly. Tom Supa. Scotch. Spanky. Herndon. I can work in TV. I can go to the beach. I can ride motorcycle around. I have good memories form there. I can drive my big sexy truck. I can live in Hollywood. Slammer. The Eagle.

The pros of living in New York:

The theatre is there (more than LA). I can also work in film and TV from there. I’ve always wanted to live there. (edited vitriol) It’s harder. I love the subway. I love seasons. Luke Denton. Meetings. The museums! No driving. Statue of Liberty. Hot guys. I’m closer to theatre producers. A million plays to chose from. The history and romance of the city. New York Yankees. Rob _______. (edited vitriol) I love New York. Central Park. Street vendors. So many people hate it. The people are friendlier. Gotham Knights. Roosevelt Island. I have a better chance of pushing _______ in front of a subway there. Fuck ______. Fuck that motherfucker. (edited vitriol) I want my New York. (edited vitriol)

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Nothing.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Nigga

Niggatoad

Nigga Beatitudes

The Christian Bible

The Christian subjugation of the Black Man

The imposing of White European religion (the principle engine of

of

of

of

of doodle

of day

of whack me on the balls with a fishing cain

of sexual exploitation

of great literature

of spending more time reading

of keeping track of time

of following a spiritual path

of old friends who don’t call me anymore

of financial obligations

of communal living

by not taking advantage

by living by and ordered and high moral code which is what

the religious

people were after

but they missed

the mark

on building a temple tower out of incense smoke

on insanity

drones

death instruments of empires

he would literally sit there and fantasize about putting a mountain into a…

The pros of living in New York:

Theatre, theatre, theatre

political artistic atmosphere

the museums

seasons

feel of the city

sound of the city

2 NFL teams

history of the city

“Center of the Universe”

people leave you the fuck alone

I’ve always wanted to live there

You are disgusting

_______ I hope you fucking die

because of your

physiscalisiycalmnopqrstuvwxy

zed zed the pumpkin head

hit ‘er once

hit ‘er twice

kill the motherfucking lice

chow down cheetah

sure wanna meetah

The Pros of Living in LA:

Gold’s Gym Hollywood

Palm Trees

Wield more power via television for shaping the collective consciousness

“film makes you famous,

TV makes you rich,

stage makes you good”

palm trees

beautiful men

meetings

the beach

I’m lonely

I miss having a partner

if the one I had was so (edited vitriol)

and I still want one

that says a lot, doesn’t it?

nicer place for less money

cleaner

I have friends there

I want to rule the world and Hollywood is a better place from which to do that if if if if you want to do it through media— is that true?

Friday, March 20, 2015

Rise and fuckin’ shine Homo!

Oh how nice

Thanks for waking me up

It’s you. Fuck you.

I wanna start drinking again

Swafford sent me a text this morning that said, “Tell me something monumental about drinking.”

I texted back, “There’s no problem that drinking can’t make worse.”

Pros of living in LA:

Beautiful weather

Beautiful men

relaxed

film and tv reach more people than theatre

nicer apartment

I don’t even know where those red chairs are. I wish I’d found ___ when I was living in Brooklyn before. I didn’t know how great I had it there in that pimp-ass apartment.

I will kill you

I will kill you

I will throw you off the top of the building

I don’t want to be sad

Writing things like “I will kill you” makes me sad

maybe it’s the _________

fuck _______

You had your shot you little piece of shit

If you weren’t young and hot you’d be NOTHING

You’re fucking boring

with you face

buried in that THING

all of the TIME

constantly seeking validation

like ME

Pros of living in LA:

It’s easier

Better chance of getting ridiculously wealthy as an actor and a writer

I____

Oh God help me

I’m in distress

I’ll_________

Pros of living in LA:

I have more friends there

Good meetings

I can get rich, rich, RICH!

when I’m a big star and

BUY a place in motherfucking New York

if the if the if the

if the if the if the

I gotta get out of Alabama

Fuck you Betty

Fuck you Betty

Fuck you Betty

Don’t be silly

Get it all out

I’m not even able to write this morning

I’m not even able to

GOD I will be so fucking

GLAD when this goddamned nightmare is

OVER

I hate you God

You are a cruel and sadistic piece of shit

Do did does Donney

Shit sex with makes

kill yourself

escape the secret

the law of attraction

do do don’t don’t

Heather Weather

full spelling

smelling spelling

wing of a hawk

Russian music

hurting arm

kill ______

kill ______

kill Republicans

kill ______

kill Walker County

kill my pets

kill myself

kill Native Americans

for sport

kill stupid people

kill myself

kill kill kill

it’s the Marine Corps way

try to feel better

try to feel better

try to do better

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Pros of living in LA:

• I’ll admit it, I love the weather
• I love palm trees
• I love the Silverlake men
• I love meetings there
• there are fact-to-face __ meetings there
• the audience for Film and TV is much larger and if I’m wanting to shape the consciousness of planet earth with my art, that’s a more efficient way to do it
• fuck ________
• I can drive my sexy truck around in LA
• I can ride my sexy motorcycle in LA
• I know ___________
• I know _____________
• I can work as a set medic as my b job, possibly write while I’m waiting for someone to need a bandaid
• LA loves me
• I get a change to “do it better this time”
• meetings are great
• I have a spiritual heritage in LA
• I can make enough money to buy an apartment in New York City
• Alex will help me there
• I have happy memories of LA
• Cinerama Dome
• Spanky is there
• Scotch is there
• I can work in film in TV as an actor an continue to write plays and screenplays
• Eric will help me there
• Alex will help me there
• Gold’s Gym Hollywood
• Brick CrossFit
• Veterans Art Theatre Project place
• Dream cast of Lilac and Liquor lives there
• The Oscars are there
• Success in Hollywood can help greenlight any project in NYC
• I get to wear less clothes for more of the year.

pros of living in NYC

• I love the seasons
• museums
• love being that close to that many people during the day
• Cruising hot guys on the subway
• lots of good meetings
• New York has a more political bent
• The Tonys are there
• Broadway
• off-Broadway
• off-off Broadway
• I’m a playwright
• I love to go to theatre
• Luke Denton lives there
• Kia Corthron lives there
• Michela Angela Davis lives there
• I love that city
• Central Park
• ________won’t have “won” by moving to the city that was my dream to move to while I’ll was denied the opportunity.
• The Eagle
• Rob at 20 Pine
• THE YANKEES
• The Rangers, The Nets, The Giants and even The Jets (I may yet love them again) and The Mets (eventually I’ll have to figure out who this team is that people sometimes mention in passing) and The Nicks and The Nets (although I fucking hate basketball). The Knicks and The Islanders.

Sunday, 22 March

LA:

It’s goddamn nice there and the people like me there. I wanna be RICH and it’s a good goddamn place for a writer/actor to get RICH! And with all that money I can buy a place in New York and go there as much as I want but it’s easier for me to get RICH as a writer and an actor in LA. I reckon. The weather is nice and I look great with a tan. There are great meetings there and great gyms. It’s not as hard to live there, it’s not as hard to get around and it’s cleaner! The apartment I could get in LA is nicer on what I have in the way of money right now. Is that true? I ain’t got money to go to either place in fact! But I can get a place twice as nice and twice as big for half the price of one I’d get in New York. I can see myself outside Gold’s gym on Cole and drinking one of those icy protein shakes and going to the Gold’s downtown sometimes and I know _________ and I know ______ and I know ________ and I know __________ and I want to be a FAMOUS actor and make shit-tons of money and greenlight my own projects and be famouser and famouser and change people’s minds about things through film and TV and it’s easier to get into film and TV in LA and how the fuck am I going to get RICH in New York when the actors who ma–

NYC:

I love New York. I like walking around the different parts of New York. I like WALKING. I love being on the subway and smelling people and being in close physical proximity to all those hot guys in the course of the day. The subway is a great opportunity to meet hot guys– one of them might be my husband. In New York, I can go to a lot of great theatre and I do love to go to live theatre and I even like to ACT in live theatre but am I going to get the roles that I want? If I was a TV– oh wait, that’s LA again. But maybe not because there’s also a lot of TV shot in New York but I do really love New York and I don’t want Adam to win and Central Park is great and I don’t want to lose Luke Denton as a friend and when I’m not there I never hear from him so is he really a friend anyway? That’s a shitty thing to say but for reals… Okay, when I– who are my close friends in New York. I wanna apartment Midtown West or UWS with a sick view of the Hudson, close to everything. New York will be great town to live in when I’m RICH and I wanna be RICH! New York has big companies too that I might could– you never know who you’re gonna meet in New York, y’know? It’s like you’ll just– OH MY GOD the subway musicians. How the FUCK could I live without subway musicians. New York is friendlier.

See y’all tomorrow.