I Laugh

Photo on 5-2-15 at 9.16 PM

Several times today I found myself laughing– like really joyously laughing. I was laughing in a way that felt like it was fixing something, healing something. Or perhaps maybe like I was going insane. But whatever. I was laughing.

I’m down in Auburn with my mom. We’re visiting my brother and his family. Last night Mom fell and fractured her pelvis. She had heart surgery last week and she’s having colon surgery on Tuesday to see if she has colon cancer.

In addition to moments of laughter during today, I also have thought several times how all the things that are happening right now in my life, if they had happened earlier on in my sobriety, they probably would have killed me. I really do believe — and let me be very clear that I am not “tempting fate” or saying “bring it on” in any shape, form, or fashion– I really do believe I can face whatever comes my way. I am the strongest person I know. I’ve been so beat up by life over the past several years, I’ve just gotten to a point where, well, I’ve gotten to a point where I laugh.

I laugh when my foot swells up like a water balloon. I laugh when I have to help my mother go to the bathroom. I laugh when I think about my “financial planning” and how it all went to shit. I laugh when I take an honest look at where I am vis-à-vis my career aspirations. I laugh about getting screwed over by my ex. I laugh that I live in Alabama. I laugh that I may have to stay here longer even depending on Mom’s surgery next week. I laugh that I’m still single even though I don’t really want to be. I laugh that I’m turning 50. I laugh that my brother Chad says I probably have diabetes (his jab at me for weighing 267lb, something I don’t mind, I’m a muscle daddy bear now.) I laugh at the V.A.. I laugh that I ask a veterinarian for medical advice today– about me! I laugh at the silliness of it all. I laugh not to take myself too seriously. I laugh to keep from crying. Sometimes I still do.

Today is day 256 in my commitment to blog daily in this “Year to Save My Life.” I’m pretty fucking proud of that– especially since sometimes I’ve had to do it with my hair on fire.

Where did I put that bottle of Maalox?

See y’all tomorrow.

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