An Inch Closer To Getting It

I’m inching towards getting it. Actually, I don’t know if I’ll ever fully get it but I’m closer than I was on September 1 and the hard work is paying off– not fast enough to suit me but then again almost nothing is– but even that’s changing some. I’m learning that what is worthwhile almost never comes easily or quickly. Maybe I’m wrong.

I was thinking about that earlier today. It came up during Morning Pages– how drugs and alcohol ruin us in that way. Now, I have no judgments towards those who chose to use these substances and in fact I would if I could without it crashing my life– but the reason I say that drugs and alcohol ruin us is that the things they provide (relaxation, sense of wellbeing, energy, inspiration, et. al.) all come almost immediately. All you have to do is imbibe the substance and presto the effect appears. I won’t even say it’s a counterfeit version either. If you feel relaxed, you are. If you think you’re happy you are. The only problem is, if you ever chose, for whatever reason, to try to seek these states of being without using a substance to get there, chances are its going to come a lot slower than you’re used to. For so many years, I got used to being able to elicit the feeling I sought almost immediately– but now that drugs and alcohol have been taken off the table for me, I seek those desirable effects in other ways. And since that is often a much slower process than I was once used to, it’s not uncommon for me to become impatient. That’s when I oftentimes turn to process addictions (food, sex, spending, etc.) in search of the same feelings. The only problem with these things is, like any other addictive thing, one builds up a tolerance and has to have more to get the same payoff. And like the other things I was once addicted to, these too can kill me. I can’t handle any drugs or alcohol, not so much as a beer. If it’s in me, I’m off to the races. That was proven to me over and over and over. With regard to the process addictions that I’ve been addressing pretty much throughout my chemical sobriety, well, it’s progress rather than perfection and I just try my best to do some harm reduction if I ever find myself seeking to self-medicate in those ways. It’s also a very big challenge to not beat myself to death, go down the old familiar shame spiral with it. That’s completely counterproductive when I do– it only leads for a greater need and desire to medicate the unpleasant state of being in which I find myself.

I hope this hard-won self-awareness is somehow helpful to some of you. I love and appreciate your support and am thankful to you for reading, especially those of you who are daily readers and have been sticking with me from the beginning. We’ll get somewhere good together.

See y’all tomorrow.