Depressed About Scotland

Just start typing, Dude. You gotta do it.

I didn’t realize until– wait, no, I think I was about to tell a lie. I can’t remember when I realized that I’d posted Saturday’s blog on Sunday morning but I think I owe you one from last night. I ended up not leaving Nashville until after 20:00 and I stopped off in Birmingham on the way home. It was about 02:00 this morning when I finally got to be and on Saturday night, I’d gotten about three hours sleep. Lord! How did I use to do that all the time in the old days? I’ve basically had about nine hours sleep in the past three days. That makes me feel all Iraq-ish.

It was a great time in Nashville over the weekend but if I had to do it again, I’d get some more sleep toward the end. I ended up a little on the dehydrated side too and– oh, that reminds me– hang on.

Now. Had to pound some water. I think staying hydrated is even more important than all the current press would portend. If you ain’t got enough water in you, your body can’t function the way it’s supposed to. Although I’m not a huge fan of trying to look younger as you all now, I do want to feel good and look good and keeping hydrated is a good way to do that. I wonder how you feel about lotion. It seems like drinking lots of water and putting on some lotion after you get out of the shower would do a lot more than all those pills and potions– or even worse, going under the knife to keep looking good. It doesn’t have to be expensive lotion either. I would quote RuPaul here and say that she always said to not spend more that $7 on a bottle of lotion but I ain’t quotin’ that bitch ’cause I’m mad at her. Yep, I am. The last time we spoke she called me. Since then I’ve sent an email, a couple of voicemail messages and probably five phone texts. Crickets. We used to hang out every day for a good little stretch when I live in LA! Hmph. I reckon now that she’s famous again she ain’t got no time for me. I’ll just go on pretending like that doesn’t hurt and simply refuse to quote her when she said to not spend more than $7 on a bottle of lotion.

Dixie Carter (God rest her soul), in her memoir Trying to Get to Heaven: The Confessions of a Tennessee Talker (one of the few books I’ve actually read all the way to the end, by the way– highly recommend), that she’d put baby oil on after getting out of the shower before toweling off– said it gave her skin a “dewy” appearance. I don’t know about “dewy,” but I’ve done that for long stretches and it seems to help me not look so much like Lizardman. I didn’t do it tonight after my shower. That’s because I didn’t have a shower tonight. That’s kind of gross. Here I am reclining naked on the sheets I’m going to sleep on and I haven’t even had a shower. And I went for a little run tonight, even. Gross.

I didn’t feel much like running but my cardio is kind of in the shitter lately. I was doing the best I could but during the last weeks of Mom’s time here on Earth–

Ugh. Mom. I still can’t believe it.

I’m so sad and lonely without her. Going to Nashville and getting out and about to try to socialize is a good idea– I’ve also not written about it as much– I reckon I’m trying not to think about it as much. I talked to one of my spiritual advisors about it this morning. She and I hadn’t talked since before the worst day of my life. She wanted me to talk about it and tell her how I was feeling. Ugh. I did not want to do that. I cried a lot. After the flood dried up, she said some useful things so I do think it was worth it. I can’t think of what they were right now. Hang on.

Oh! I know what it was. I have some regrets about Mom. There are things I wish I’d done better. There were times I made mistakes. I guess no one can do it perfectly all the time but, God, I wish I could go back and change some things. Or just do it better earlier on– across the board. She always wanted to go to Scotland. I wanted to be the one to take her there. Because I was an underearner for all those years that never happened– well, y’know. I was too busy not asking for what the market will bear for my skills and talents and supporting other people in getting to their goals and dreams to take care of myself financially in a sane way– and if I’d done that, if I hadn’t spent all those years as an underearer– I might could have taken Mom to Scotland. My sponsor– I mean my spiritual advisor (or one of them) suggested that I could sort of “pay forward” all the ways my mother was so supportive of me, the times when she did without so Chad and I could have things– God, now I’m completely depressed. Anyway, she said since I can’t take Mom to Scotland like I wanted to, I could maybe take my nieces and nephews one day. I like that idea– especially since I would do it in her name and in her honor. Do you use lotion? Do you pay more than $7 for it?

I might go in there and take a shower now. I need to try to wash some of this sadness off. Maybe I’ll put some baby oil on after I get out and before I dry off. Is that good for the towels I wonder? I wonder if it’s good for the skin. It seems like– lotion or oil– if you’re adding all this other stuff to keep your skin moisturized, your skin might lose some of its own ability to keep itself moist. I hope Jen Plumb missed this blog tonight. She hates the word “moist.” She also hates “slacks” and– there was another one but I can’t remember it. I’m sure she’ll tell me if she does catch this episode.

So yeah, I didn’t get to the gym today. I’m– nope, I’m not going to give any excuses for that because one is as good as the other and they’re all just that– excuses. Excuses are like butt holes. They all stink and nobody wants to hear yours. Like that? I just made it up.

I bought me some running shoes today. Brook’s Glycerin G-13, size 14.  I probably would have skipped tonight’s run if I didn’t want to try them out. I should have taken a shower. I should have put on baby oil. I miss Mom.

Did you know that sometimes I would let Mom know how annoyed I was that she’d stayed up all night watching television? I am such a jerk! She worked for 35 years in her career. And then cleaned house and took care of us and Dad. She was retired for pity’s sake! Why the hell couldn’t she stay up all night and watch TV if she wanted to? –without her nearly-fifty-year-old bratty perpetually adolescent son giving her shit about it? I was such a jerk. I hate that I did that. And I should have taken her to Scotland.

I’m going to take a shower and go to bed. I hope I have nightmares about the ways I fell short with Mom. I deserve it. I’d give anything to have her back.

I have the new shoes by the bed here. The first thing I’m going to do in the morning when I get up is run. I’m about to go to two-a-days with the workouts and run and do abs daily. I’ll split the week between CrossFit and Powerlifting on alternate days. I need the structure because– believe it or not– it actually helps me get more writing done. And I have to have the rest of the lyrics to RUTH written by July 19 when I’m due to see a play and take some meetings in New Orleans. I’ve decided to workshop RUTH down there before taking it to New York. We’re going to do a one-on-one internship for post-911 vets in as many positions as possible throughout the production process. I’m very excited about that– or at least I am in the daytimes. Right now I’m just depressed about Scotland. And about telling my mother she shouldn’t watch TV all night when she was just doing her best to try and feel better. Just like I’m always trying to do.

See y’all tomorrow.