Accidentally Kissed By a Vol and My Straight Bro Gets Hit On By a Man

You know that little cowboy pretty much just swooped right in there and stole this kiss and my friend was there to snap a photo at just the right moment.  He was a little hottie. Half the guys who hit on me these days are 18-25. What’s that about? Do they realize I’ll be 75 when they’re my age? I ain’t complaining. A good many of them are smokin’ hot and this guy was no exception.  I thought it was sweet and all for him to be so bold and just take what he wanted, a quality I’ve always admired in a man– but now that I look more closely at the picture I noticed that “Vols” emblazoned across the bill and can see, as any idiot could, that, legal marriage or no legal marriage, this would never work because I bleed such a deep shade of Crimson (as in Tide) and this poor misguided lad clearly prefers the Orange. Everyone knows mixed marriages don’t work. But wait a minute! I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a couple more deeply in love than my brother and his wife and he even played ball at Alabama and still she (who I’m convinced secretly prays to Shug Jordan each night) has my brother living down there on The Plains behind enemy territory! But in her defense, she has a little Bama gear in her closet to wear to Bryant-Denny and (steady yourself) I think my brother might even own a blue golf sweater with that hideous little orange emblem on it– you know the one that’s just a little bit more offensive than a swastika to someone like me– that he wears when he goes with the woman he loves to support the Tigers. (Do you know that when my sister-in-law calls my brother, it reads “my angel” on his phone! Isn’t that about the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard?)

So maybe there could have been hope for and the little kiss-snatching Volunteer. But that breath was pretty bourbon soaked– and no matter how much I love kissing a guy who’s drunk bourbon or beer (and I do), I ain’t studyin’ “jumpin’ the broom” with any more pickled grooms. Fuck. That.

I was on the phone with a dear old friend of mine earlier tonight. It was so great to talk with her.

I’m sorry I said those schmarmy things about RuPaul in last night’s blog. I love Ru.

Did you know that between 21:30 and 22:00 tonight, Jupiter and Venus are going to appear so close together they may look like the same celestial body? It only happens about every 2000 years and is called the “Bethlehem Star.” You can figure out why.

So I’ve just been having a text conversation with a straight buddy of mine who’s still in the military. Thought you might find our conversation entertaining:

HIM: Getting hit on hard core tonight by a large man. Serves me right eating at the bar at an upscale restaurant

    Wish u were sitting next to me lol

    Ur bigger lol

    Physique I mean

ME:  show him this message:

    Hey bro. Leave my boy alone. He’s a good ally but he ain’t for flirting with. He’s straight and he’s married and– well, be cool

ME:    By the way, if he’s hot, just give him my number

    hahaha

HIM:    Lol

    Question:

    When a gay guy learns that someone he is talking to is married to a woman… Is it seen as a turn off or challenge?

 ME:     for many, I think it makes it hotter

    I think trying to make anyone cheat on his or her spouse is shitty

    but married guys down here tell me it in an attempt to make their points go up

HIM:     Lol

ME:     “DL, discreet, married, not-out”… all these words are fetishized

    to me, if it’s taken I don’t want it

    I turn guys away all the time who brag about being married

HIM:     I tried to drop it in as a polite way of saying ‘not interested’

ME:     “I’m completely straight” works much better

HIM:     It did nothing

    Lol

ME:     he’s probably used to guys using the married thing like I was describing

HIM:     Noted

ME:     naw man, I always prefer when guys tell me their straight

 HIM:     But isn’t that rude?

ME:   rude?

HIM:  Because then I’m making the assumption that he’s gay

 ME:  ooooooh

    but I thought you said he was hitting on you

    okay, okay

    I got it

    he’s hitting on you but not coming out and saying it

 HIM:  Right

 ME:  You could bring up the SCOTUS.

 HIM: And he wasn’t that good looking by the way, so I don’t think I’ll give him your number

ME: Say this:

    “I was glad to see the marriage equality thing happen last week. I’m completely straight but some of my best friends aren’t and I’m glad they can be recognized by the law now”

    I usually find some skillful way to work in the fact that I’m gay when I realize a woman is hitting on me. And I try to do it in a way that doesn’t embarrass her.

 HIM: Everything I could say about current events I think would make something think I was gay

    That’s why I didn’t try to work it in

 ME: Well, you did your part. You said that you are married. That should make him back off just like it should make a woman back off if it was a woman who was hitting on you. If it doesn’t work. If he gets more pushy or comes right out and propositions you, tell him you’re completely straight and besides that married to the woman of your dreams.

ME:   Hello?

ME: Hello!?

ME: You went back to his room with him didn’t you? I told you if you ever jumped the fence, I wanted to be your first dude! Dick!

HIM: I’ll call you in 5

ME: if it’s going to be that fast, it won’t be any good anyway. Relax, I’m joking. Hello? Hello?

(for the record, he did call)

See y’all tomorrow.