The Lady in the Dress Doesn’t Appear Yet

I’m not quite sure if you noticed but–

I noticed.

Noticed what?

What were you going to say?

What were you?

You said it first.

I was going to say that I don’t know if you noticed but–

I did.

You did what? You acted like–

That wasn’t acting.

What were you going to say?

Please would you just go ahead?

I was going to point out that you–

Write the blog when you got in from dancing this morning. See? I knew you knew what I was going to say. That’s how it starts, you know.

Oh please.

Please what?

(changing the subject) Did you watch that Sir Ian video?

I did. Brilliant.

So what have you been thi– where are you by the way?

What do mean “where are you?” Where I am, you are. Always.

Can you not see?

Well, see, that’s something I should have asked you right then.

Did Spanky ever call you?

No.

Why do you think that–

Oh I know why that is.

You think you kno–

No. I no.

Well would you like to share with the class?

Don’t do that.

Don’t do what?

Don’t subtly use some kind of reference as if it were just some sort of conversational convention when in fact it’s designed to drag us back into elementary or junior high just so you can–

That’s not what I was doing.

Of course it is. Restimulation is a sure-fire ticket to emotional trauma if not paralysis so then you have all the excuses you need to–

You’re mixing metaphores.

(considers) I don’t think I–

What do you mean?

Huh?

What do you–

Which is who?

Which is whom?

Okay, which is whom!

Well I certainly don’t know by this point.

Why don’t you invite in The Lady in the Dress?

What lady in the–

Oh you know very well which–

I think you’re supposed to say who or whom when it’s a person and not which.

No, I said, “a lady” which” is a thing– well, now you’ve got me confused.

What did y’all do last night?

We went to a sports bar and then to dance at the queer bar. Two of my favorite things to do.

You realize that that is coincidentally the second time that the second line of a single line has started on the next line and so therefore the capitalization make it look like the voice has changed and there’s– that why it’s important to name the voices.

Name the voices, name the schmoices. Maybe I don’t feel like it.

Or maybe you’re integrating.

I’m against it.

Don’t be so obstinate. Go back to Hank.

I thought you called him Spanky.

I do. Hank. Spanky. Only I get to call him Spanky though. No one else. It is my personal name for him. Once, this gangster called him Spanky in front of me on a late night/early morning in an ally in downtown Los Angeles and I killed him with a tow chain.

Spanky?!

No, the ganster– Hey! I told you only I get to call him tha–

Well who the fuck do you think I am?

Well you’re certainly not me.

Of course I am. There’s no one else in here.

Are you sure? What about the people in The Arbor? Where do you think they come from?

What is thinking?

Woah, reel it in there big boy. Why don’t we bring in the Woman in the Dress?

Because I’m afraid.

Afraid of what?!

You know very well afraid of what!

Well would that be so bad?

I might end up with a child! (smiles)

See? That wouldn’t be so bad would it?

I’m too goddamn old and besides, look at how much– I mean I don’t want to sound like I don’t love them but– I mean I thought my life was going to look a lot different when I–

The animals? So you think a human child would be easier?!

No. Now you’re arguing my point!

I am? I’m confused. (melodramatic) Sometimes I don’t know where you stop and I start.

Both laugh.

What did you say?
‘beg your pardon?

Did you just say, “both laugh?”

(laughs) No!

You did!

I most certainly did not.

If you did, in that case, any kind of stage direction or emotional guidance from The Playwright and anything else-

To include anything we say…

Yes, to include anything we say.

(finishing his sentence) would be coming from inside the house!

Both scream, embrace, laugh.

Have you ever been inside the Museum of Modern Art up off Lex–

I know where the museum is. And yes, you know I’ve been there a hundred times.

I hundred?

I exaggerate. Many. Doesn’t matter. Why?

Why what?

You exhaust me.

Are you going to Burning Man?

(laughs) Oh honey, the whole crew is going to Burning Man.

Do you know what it’s going to be like?

Of course I do. So do you.

I most certainly do not!

Silly boy.

(mocking) “Silly boy.”

Don’t mock!

Please don’t tell me The Lady in the Dress is going to be there!

Oh bro! She’ll likely be running the show– at least part of the time.

Have you enjoyed this?

Oh there is almost nothing I enjoy more.
I know, right?!

So why don’t we–

Because there seems to be so very much else involved. And sometimes I get scared.

Yeah, me too.

How was dancing?

I don’t want to change the subject.

Okay–?

So if you find this so fun, why don’t you–

Well, actually darling I have!

Yes, yes, you have. So what about the part where we get some motherfuckers to put on costumes and stand up there with that thick greasy makeup on and say the worlds–

Words.

Huh?

You said, “Say the worlds” I think you meant to say, “Say the words.”

(not realizing the profundity of what he’s saying) Same thing really.

Both freeze. Ponder. “Wow!”

(snapping out of it) and ask people to come and sit there and–

What if we served popcorn!?

You know– that’s really the world where you’re most comfortable. I think you’re problem is that you’ve been too intent on trying too be commercial.

(incredulous laugh)

I don’t even know where you start and I–

You said that already.

So we’re all going to Burning Man?

And before that, a four-day Vision Quest in Vermont.

Four?

Well, it’s got to be at least two nights but I can stay up to four nights.

How will you know?

Well, I go visit with the Medicine Woman right before and she gives me the choice. I close my eyes and ask God and then God tells me.

God talks to you?

Frequently.

(aside. makes “crazy” symbol. whistles.)

See y’all tomorrow.