To Risk the Loss of Control

There’s a point beyond all understanding where things happen in ways that elude even the deftest attempts to force life into some kind of pedestrian and familiar parameter. When one asks in earnest for help, help comes– and sooner or later I think it’s just best to relax into the process and trust. I get too busy wondering what people on opposite ends of the “God debate” would think about how I’ve chosen to live my life (in surrender to God), which is kind of silly since I’m pretty sure any representative from either side of these polar points of view would consider me insane for believing that all these things that are happening with/for/through me now are somehow a product of the fact that almost a year ago, I surrendered (in the most healthy of ways) and acknowledged that my incessant and battle-worn way of controlling things (aka self-will run riot) not only wasn’t working for me but hadn’t for a long time. As soon as I made that decision, things started to change and I can’t even believe that almost a year has passed.

It has not gone as I planed which is probably the best part of the process and hopefully I’m learning (for keeps) that relaxing into trusting in God as I understand God is superior to compulsively trying to control everything all the time in an attempt to wrest what I thought I wanted out of this life. In doing so, I’ve come to a deeper understanding of what, for me at least, has real value in this life.

And here’s an important point (just in case you ever find yourself in moments of control freakism): It’s good to let go of that as a modus operandi AND it is also useful, I think, to forgive ourselves for it when we’ve done it in the past or when those behaviors crop up again sometimes. Here’s why: most people who have an excessive need for control have been hurt very badly at times in the past when they were not in control. Therefore, it was out of a healthy original impulse that we first felt the need to be in control of our surroundings. But as with many things that worked at first and then turned on us (ref: alcohol, in my case), the practice ultimately became a liability and threatened to destroy our dreams. Let’s be patient with ourselves and with one another, take small steps in faith toward higher levels of trust (with ourselves, with each other, and with whatever benevolent forces may be advocating on our behalf), and learn to live life free of the constant anxiety that this constant battle for control is almost certain to produce.

See y’all tomorrow.