Rumbling Towards the End


It’s weird to think how quickly I’m rumbling in toward the finish line with this whole “year to live” thing, yeah? I mean this daily blog started with a 2:30 am rant about how unhappy I was almost a year ago. And what a year this has been since! Now’s not the time to start trying to do any comprehensive recap or anything. I was just calling it out.

Did you do the Blue Moon ceremony? I went out this morning and dug up my stone, a crystal. It’s here on my lap as I type this. I’m going to keep in with me constantly as much as possible, at least until I get back from this month-long spiritual pilgrimage I have coming up. First I’ll go to my beautiful home city of New York (well, one of my home cities that is), then to Vermont for the second year of my Hambleycha (Vision Quest), then back to New York for a couple of days, then San Francisco, and then– well, I’m not 100% sure. I’m scheduled to fly back here to Alabama but I just found out that a gathering of sober gay men (that I attended before and loved) is happening in Palm Springs on the day after I get out of the desert after Burning Man. That would be great if I can find a ticket. The event is sold out. I’ll leave it to Spirit. If I’m supposed to go, it’ll work out. Of course, with the exception of when I’m “on my blanket” at the Vision Quest and when I’m out on “The Playa” for Burning Man, I’ll have to be working on the road. I have two jobs that I do by phone and computer– plus the writing. I still have to make a living so I can afford all this flitting around the world.

I don’t reckon I’ll be offing myself on my 50th birthday which was one possibility I’d set forth when I started the “year to live” blog. I knew that pretty early on– that that was taken off the table. I couldn’t do that to the people who love me. (I do realize there are some out there who’d through a dad-gum party if I did.) The main point of all this has been to find better reasons to live than just because it would fuck up people left behind– and I have to say I’ve been successful in doing that. Mostly that came about by one simple shift. I have, in this year, learned how to better keep my focus on gratitude. What you feed grows and if I hang out in the past of the future in my head, that usually brings about regret, resentment, or fear. I’ve still got my “eye on the prize,” don’t get me wrong. I have goals I’m working towards. But I no longer attach my happiness to whether or not I’ll get something I think I want in the future. I’ve lived a very unconventional life– but it’s mine and I wouldn’t trade it for anyone else’s.

I just watched a documentary called Muscle Shoals about the famed Alabama town with such a rich musical history. Thanks Mark Schwietz, for the recommendation. If you haven’t seen it, check it out. It’s a very layered story about a very interesting place. It’s made me appreciate being from Alabama even more. I’m purposely not even pretending to know what the next step for me geographically is. I know I’ll likely be between NYC, LA and Alabama for the foreseeable future but I’m waiting until after my time at Vision Quest to make any declarations about the next step. I do love this house and this land (I’m in Alabama tonight) so I’ll probably always keep this place as a quiet retreat to come and write. My brother and I own the home and I’d love to see it handed off to the next generation when we go to live with my parents and other ancestors in the stars. My grandfather built this house. I miss New York and LA every second I’m not in those places too. I’m a weirdo, I know. Who knows, maybe I’m just destined to be a nomadic Bohemian poet for the rest of my days. There are worse things.

I would like to meet a husband though. Something tells me I might just find him at Burning Man. It seems like the sort of place that the sort of man I’d like might be. I’ve got a good life and I’m not looking for anyone to “complete me.” I would like to partner up though if it’s The Will of Heaven and all. I’m good in a couple. Hell, I was even good when the couple wasn’t. But as I said, I don’t need “him” to be happy. It would just be nice to have someone to help me do the dishes. Joking. Relax.

Okay, that’s about it for today. My powerlifting buddy par excellence can now do morning workouts so I’ll go back to powerlifting in the morning and CrossFit in the afternoons starting tomorrow. I’m not quite to my current goals but I’m close enough that I can see them. That’s pretty dang exciting. It didn’t happen overnight I’ll tell you.

I’m going to make some calls to theatres/producers in NYC to see if I can grab some meetings there about any of the three finished plays while I’m there. I’ve got good ideas about cities where I’d like to workshop and/or open them “out of town” but it would be nice to stir up some Big Apple interest while I’m boots-on-the-ground there.

Okay, that’s it. Hope you have your goals, fitness and otherwise, written down and that you’re taking at least one action each day toward their attainment. If I can help you, let me know. I love y’all and I appreciate all the support.

See y’all tomorrow.

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