Kit Silences the Voice (at least for now)

JEFF: I’m sorry Bella, you’re going to have to move your face so I can type. I’m going to bed.

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: Going to bed?!

JEFF: Yes, going to bed. I’m so tired I feel like I’m getting the flu.

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: You might be overt–

JEFF: Don’t say it!

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: Don’t say what?

JEFF: Don’t say that I might be overtraining.

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: Well you might!

JEFF: I said not to say that! Look, homo erectus have been doing hard manual labor all day for nearly two million years.

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: (snickers) he said homo erectus.

JEFF: Look dude– I–

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: Oh relax, I’m just giving you shit. Do your thing. It’s clear you define your worth by how you look anyway. Narcissistic motherf–

JEFF: Thanks! (with renewed passion) I have to look good at Burning Man! I think I’m going to meet my husbear there.

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: (rolls eyes) Your husbear?! God, you’re frickin’gay!

JEFF: Yeah, my husb– now why do you have to be like that?

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: Well good luck with it.

JEFF: Why do you say it like that?

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: I don’t know. I’ve always heard that we meet the person we’re supposed to be with when we’re not looking.

JEFF: Yeah, I’ve heard that too. It’s stupid.

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: Really?

JEFF: Yeah, it’s stupid. That’s like saying you only buy a car when you stay away from the car lot. I gave myself plenty of time to get over the asshole, I fucked my way through a few cities to prove to myself I still could, now I’m ready to settle down.

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: Just like that.

JEFF: Just like that.

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: Okay.

JEFF: You don’t bel–

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: I said okay.

JEFF: (pause, considering) Alright, thanks for your support.

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: What are you looking for in a mate?

 

The phone buzzes and Jeff picks it up, reads a text.

JEFF: Oh my God!

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: What?

JEFF: I just got a text.

VOICE OF ANNOYING AND CONSTANT CRITICISM: Well stop the presses!

JEFF: No, listen to this, it’s so sweet. It’s from Kit Winter. It says “My calendar from now until October 15 is filled with reminders that I created last September- ‘check on Jeff Key’-‘call Jeff Key’-‘is Jeff Key ok’ -‘is Jeff REALLY ok?’ and so on. I’m so happy your dance card is filled with so much great stuff I’m so happy you’re still here. Thank you doing the work you needed to do to stay. The world would be so diminished without you. Xoxox.” That is so sweet. Who’s a lucky man? I said who’s a lucky man? Hello? Hmmm. Where’d the voice go? (to camera)

See y’all tomorrow