I’m Going Back to Cali

I’m taking a brief respite from talking about the goal setting program tonight to just check in. I’m leaving for LA in the morning for a week (or possibly two) and of course, as usual, I’ve not packed a thing. I’m a notorious last-minute packer. I don’t know what it is. I do it every time. I once packed for a two week stay in Europe in thirty minutes. I hate lugging all that shit around anyway. No matter how I try, my luggage is always on the heavy side. Hell, one pair of my boots weighs about half of what the airlines allow for one bag. I’m hoping they don’t rape me on bag fees. Two of my dear friends in LA gave me the ticket as a birthday present and they even hooked me up with the big-boy seats up front. Unfortunately there was no first class available between here and Houston so I’ll be in a smaller seat for that part (whay! spoiled brat) the only thing is, if you have a first class ticket you don’t pay for bags so I’m hoping since the second leg of my trip is first class, they won’t make me pay for the bags. I’m going on a very tight budget as you all know. These are definitely “quality problems” and I just can’t express how happy and grateful I am to be going back to LA. I left LA with Adam so that he could go to med school in Utah. The plan was for us to pick the city of his residency based on my career. That’s why he’s doing is surgical residency at Mt. Sinai in New York. When I came down here to help with my father during his death, I sort of got stuck here financially and I’m trying to sort it out about how I’m going to get back to New York. The bargain with Adam was that if I stuck by him through med school, I could write and pursue my career on the MD we worked for together. He walked on his end of the bargain and since there was no real marriage equality, I got screwed. I forgive him. He’s sick, not bad. In spite of all he did to me, I still love him and wish him the best.

Part of what’s been going on with me during this “reemergence” period is that I’ve been figuring out how beat down and beat up I got during my marriage. My self-esteem suffered a lot of blows over seven years. In some ways it’s taken me a year and a half to even realize it. I don’t believe in “going back” necessarily but I am starting to feel a lot more like the confident Marine I was when Adam met me. I’m looking forward to being back in LA which is where I was before Adam. Who knows what the trip has in store for me? I took the friends’ offer to buy me the ticket as a sign. I think God has a surprise waiting for me there. I am open to do whatever it is to be most useful to my Creator and my fellows. I still really do want to move back to New York in December. Part of me feels like that I will have let Adam steal that from me too if I don’t. But as I said, I’m willing and open, suiting up and showing up. My latest prayer is “Put me in Coach.” Let’s see where this trip back to my beloved SoCal takes me.

See Y’all Tomorrow.