Tonight I Have Everything I Need

When Mother had surgery recently, some friends from her church came to sit with me while I waited for the procedure to be complete. I know I mentioned that to you. One of the men, Ted, asked me if I had read a particular book. I hadn’t. I don’t remember what the title was but it was similar to The Power of the Subconscious Mind. I only know this because when I went online of my phone to see if I could find the book he was recommending, I couldn’t find it. I did however find the one with the title I just mentioned. So I ordered it.  I only mention all this to say that I find it pretty serendipitous that the book I ordered ended up in my hands.

The Power of the Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy, as it turns out, is pretty much in keeping with my spiritual beliefs and the things he’s said so far (I’m only a couple dozen pages in) are reminding me about what I believe. In fact, much of my spiritual beliefs feel like that to me, even when I hear a principle for the first time. It always feels more like remembering than learning. I believe that the reason is that my soul already knows the truth. So when I hear a Truth principle— something like, for example, “thoughts in mind produce in kind,” it’s not like I’m hearing it for the first time but rather than something in me wakes up a little bit more.

I’ve purposefully allowed the blog to be as sloppy as it wants to be. Sometimes it’s dark. I won’t apologize for that although my inclination is to do so. I appreciate those of you who have hung in there even when it’s hard to read. I have also worked very hard to be honest and open about the ways I struggle even when it’s embarrassing to do so. The number one reason for this is that through the blog I am saving my life. Beyond saving myself from suicide, I’m saving myself from living any longer rehearsing the same character defects over and over which has kept me from happiness for too long. Not only is the blog saving me from death, it’s saving me from a life I don’t want. I don’t intend to stop showing the darkness in the blog when it comes up. I also don’t intend to get anymore “structured” about the blog than I have been. I know that those of you who have been with me from the beginning (or at least for a while) must open the blog each day and have to figure out first what the hell I’m up too. The script format for some of the days happened quite organically and I think it’s just my mind trying to work things out in a way that is very familiar to me. First and foremost I am a dramatist. I never set out to be a blogger.

The book is reminding me that I am the co-creator of my experience through the way I allow my conscious mind to program my subconscious mind. This is not a new idea to me, even in this life. There was a several-pages-long entry I wrote in my journal while I was in Iraq that talked about this very thing. Perhaps one day soon I’ll share that with you.

I don’t want to make any broad proclamations that would preclude my feeling comfortable to “vent” or rage about something that bothers me in the future. I don’t want to tie my own hands with regard to the blog. After all, I’m already more that a third of the way through with this “year to live.” If I’m going to see any of those goals come to fruition, I’d better get cranking. I lot of the venting about one thing or another (especially Adam) has been so I could just “get it out” of me. It’s been holding me back— all those secrets, all that negatively. A problem shared is a problem diminished.

So I guess I’ve said enough about that. Don’t be surprised if “dark and raging crazy man” shows up from time to time but for tonight, I want to focus on what’s good. Spud is here to spend the night with us. He’ll take me to the airport tomorrow and I’ll fly to Utah to see some of the people I love most in the world. I’ll also see some great films at Sundance and be reminded of my aspirations as an artist.

What you feed grows. Tonight I’m choosing to feed gratitude. Tonight, I have everything I need.

See y’all tomorrow.