Emergency, Emergency! SCOTUS Makes God Into a Rainbow Liar!

Fox News commentator Todd Starnes has taken to social media to warn us all that because these United States now have marriage equality, God is going to destroy the planet by water once again just like he did in Noah’s day.

Starnes must be blind! Why do I say that? Because (especially given all the queers and allies celebrating this week) you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a rainbow and as anyone who knows their bible can tell you, the rainbow is a symbol of God’s covenant to never destroy the earth by water again. (Gen 9: 11-17)

So what this Bozo saying is, not only are the smartest scientists on the planet wrong when they tell us that epic flooding of such proportions would be the result of the polar ice caps melting because of global climate change, which is a direct result of greenhouse gases, increased  by humans’ impact on our home planet, but also that the fact that  because queers can now have equal protection under the law (except, apparently, in Alabaman, Mississippi, Texas, and Louisiana) God is going to break His [sic] covenant with us– yep, Gay Marriage is going to make God into a liar. Very interesting Todd Starnes.

It’s silly of course because, as I was told by my parents from the time of my beginning to understand the language, the only thing God can’t do is lie!

This is so confusing because Fox is usually such a credible and intelligent news source!

In other news, I’ve learned from my good buddy Phillip Swafford that the little Baptist Church down the road from me called an emergency meeting of their Board to amend the bi-laws for their congregation so the queers can’t come there and try to get married! (pause for laughs) Mostly this is just sad and embarrassing for them– I mean do they really think that the Supreme Court decision is going to mean that religions have to start marrying queer people? If they do think that, they’re even stupider than they seem. I hope to God it’s just a matter of them being so butt-hurt they had to just make some kind of angry reaction and that’s the best they could come up with. Please, please, tell me they’re not so stupid to really think that, without their… oh well, you get what I’m saying. (Actually a church’s having bi-laws at all would seem to be a sin as Deuteronomy 12:32 says “Do all that I command you and do not add or take away from it.” Hmmm.)

Well thank God they convened that emergency meeting! Otherwise I’m sure the very next day a bunch of queens and dykes would have beating down their doors to force the poor, religiously oppressed, persecuted, downtrodden, last-holdout-against-the-wicked-US Supreme Court, Christians of Pleasantfield to join that unholy lot in holy wedlock! Give me a break!

I’m surprised since this (forcing churches to marry two people if the marriage goes against the beliefs of that religion) has been such an important issue for them, they haven’t been committing time and money to spring all those poor Jewish rabbis who are in prison for refusing to marry Jews to non-Jews or all those Catholic priests who are doing hard time for not marrying Catholics to non-Catholics. But that could also be because there aren’t any! Because these are The United States of America where we are guaranteed religious freedom by our Constitution and nobody who’s got any gal-dern sense thinks that because LGBTQ Americans now have equal protection under the law with regard to marriage that it is going to effect these sad little enclaves of close-mindedness in any way except that a lot of other people are just going to see what a big deal it wasn’t all this time!

Us queers are going to go right back to ignoring you and not thinking about you and basically just living our lives (that is until the next time you take out your stupid-sticks and start whacking away at our hives!) Doesn’t it make you feel just a little bit embarrassed that you seem not to be able to do the same?

See y’all tomorrow.